"Thug Ride" by White Dawg

Anyone remember this image? The album had so many fullpage ads posted for it in The Source and XXL that you'd think it were a major label masterpiece. Yet, if you flip to the August/September issue of XXL you'll see this horrible piece of shit gets the rare "S" rating, and the almost exclusive printing of the words "disturbingly wack."

Writing this as even a fan of dirty south hiphop, this is in so many ways the worst rap record I have ever EVER come across. For those perhaps fortunate enough to never hear this, let's get the obvious stupidity out of the way.

Having perhaps the worst caucasion MC name since Lil' Wyte, not only does this asshole's name exploit his race upfront but remains almost terminally non-descript. Despite this calling attention to being a caucazoid, he says the N-word more on this record than Trent Lott's entire family tree's history. Couple this with the fact that his delivery sounds not ironic or as if using the word was accepted by blacks he grew up with (ie: early Ill Bill, Cage, Necro) but his drawl paints the picture of an apathetic asshole fratboy whose father is paying his way through a top Southern University while he skips class and quotes Chappelle Show all day.

The intro to the record (only positive aspect is that it's mercifully short) is him burping (and a wack burp at that) and saying "Trademark." Another interlude later on the record is a long-ass "Actual recording of live sex" which is not only debatable in its authenticity, but more boring than a room full of Def Jux opening acts.

Productions sounds like someone took a second edition 1983 Casio keyboard, dropped it in an uncleaned aquarium, removed it, and then went in a time machine to 1987 to ensure that even for a cheap ass garage beat it sounds glossy and overproduced. But on the songs where there shows some hint of a good beat ("I Could Fuck You," for instance) is marred by lyrics that are cold embarassing to bump in any system. (the chorus: "I could fuck you, but I'd rather get some head instead" repeated nine times and occationally so offbeat you'd think he was signed to AntiCon South.) Another "It's All Gravy" has the worst sounding white-boy-attempting-to-have-soul "crooning" since Pat Boone sucked off Al Jolson.

The album closes with the touching (as in your drunk uncle touching your no-no zone when you were three) ballad "I Just Want to Get High." It's like the culturally relevant and politically important music of Public Enemy, if P.E., instead of providing a call to arms for social change, wanted to cure the world's social ills with getting high instead.

In closing, the record is entertaining in a "so-bad-it's-funny-but-I-would-never-bump-this-in-fear-of-looking-like-an-urban-Bruce-Vilanch" sort of way. MST3K for your ears. It's out of print, but pops up on Amazon and eBay once in a while.

Kaz "Psedonym" Changas